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Photograph of an elderly woman sitting on a box holding up a sign saying: 'Please give today. Madness is for life, not just for Christmas'

ADOPT A NUTTER

I keep getting into trouble, by writing things like this:

Being mad means being poor. Being mad means being rejected by society and sometimes your family. It can be lonely. So why not adopt a nutter? The benefits are many: whenever you have company you want to get rid off, introduce them to the nutter in your family. They will magically disappear.

Maybe you have a business rival…just introduce a nutter as your rival’s relative..they will all come running to you for your products…

• £1.50 will buy a coffee to counteract the sedating medication
• £5 will buy cleaning fluids so the nutter can clean the eggs thrown on their front doors by normals
• £10 will pay for telephone bill costs of the nutter trying to contact a professional to help them when they need support but find themselves having their phone calls not returned.
• £15 will pay for the junk food that nutters eat because the medication makes them crave sugars and fat
• £17 pounds will pay for a nutter walker - they will take your nutter out for a run, so they don’t lie in bed all day and they can scare off your neighbours …
• £20 will buy new shoes. The old shoes being worn thin from the largactyl shuffle
• £30 will pay for sex toys. Nobody wants to go out with a nutter, bless them and anyway the medication makes the poor dears impotent (it’s a blessing really)
• £50 will pay for Eurostar ticket out of UK after hospital escape.
• £10000 will pay for the nutter to stay out of the UK so they can’t scrounge off the benefits.

Please give today. Madness is for life not just for Christmas.

Posted by , 1 January 2008

Last modified by Colin Hambrook, 21 June 2009