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A short film about the voices I hear / 29 July 2015

I don't know if I have the mind I was born with, but I know my mind got hurt along the way.

I have had psychotic experiences for over 30 years now. I am more able to function than say 20 years ago, yet the ghosts of it continue to haunt me. When I first heard voices and saw visions, it was thought psychosis was a brain disease with a genetic basis.

More recently that has become a very weak hypothesis. More and more studies acknowledge childhood trauma as a major influence in developing psychosis. You can read more about some of the studies at Intervoice.

My father heard his own voices that probably told him the same things he said to me. He didn't pass on faulty genes, he passed on a crushed heart. 

These recent studies are not news to me. Not now and not when I was on the ward hearing the common denominator of horrific life stories that people knew was the reason they were there.

I currently am working through why my voices say what they say. They are the words of my abuse and abusers. They may not write my life story now but they scream at every thought with their song. I know logically my voices are telling me lies. But my heart thinks it is the truth. And my very patient psychologist and partner are trying to stop me believing those lies. 

I made this film to juxtapose my childhood photos with the voices I hear to see if I can see myself as a child.

Let's hope so. 

Comments

Dolly Sen

/
10 August 2015

Thanks for your response, Richard, I have few ideas on how to develop the idea, did you have something specific in mind?

Dolly Sen

/
10 August 2015

I try not to let a script written by wankers dictate my life but it does feel like it is etched on my bones. And yes, the film has helped see myself once as a child and not an evil thing.

Deborah Caulfield

/
6 August 2015

Dolly, thank you for this.

I 'hear' stuff like: 'You're shit,' and 'You're bad,' and 'It's your fault.'

The 'voices' aren't really voices, as such. They don't make any sound. It's more like a subliminal code that runs through my blood, or text that has become embedded into my skin and bones.

Whatever. I've come to believe that the 'voices' or messages or text, are a permanent part of me. CBT would refer to this as core belief or a script. As if it can be over-written...

I wonder if your video has been helpful to you in some way. It is certainly interesting to me and I'm going to make my own.

Richard Butchins

/
4 August 2015

interesting - I think it could be developed further into something very powerful

Deborah Abson

/
31 July 2015

Very powerful film Dolly. I don't believe for a second that your Dad meant the things he maybe said to you and didn't love you because I know how loved you are by the 2013 LSBU OT cohort and how missed you're going to be come September. I really hope you do come in to speak to the OT Society, if not for the knowledge you share, to see you and catch up. You're an amazing person, who makes amazing pieces of art - very thought provoking. I hope you keep provoking those thoughts for us and they provide an outlet for you. XX

Colin Hambrook

/
30 July 2015

What adults do to destroy children... and get away with! Powerful sad short film Dolly.

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